A taste of the real thing

I'm always relieved when the first day of the summer holidays passes without a trip to A&E, because for 2 years it didn't. Then there was the summer we were there seemingly more than we weren't. Just don't mention the Olympics to me, OK?

The weird thing about chronic illnesses is that they become a part of your everyday. We are in a place where Alice is well, because of the medicine she takes morning and night. We get on with a gloriously normal life, and she drives me up the wall and makes me laugh with her mischief but I wouldn't have it any other way. But every now and again there is a stark reminder that actually that illness is still there in the background. Summer and Harry's birthday always remind me of that first seizure. And then of course there's hospital appointments where we are booked in for tests with the promise of more tests after that.

After the last such appointment I came home with head and heart reeling a little. I got stuck into the book of 2 Corinthians (the dvd player was broken- true story) and as usual a little Bible perspective was what I needed. I love how God sees our stories differently. Alice, this is for you:

            God... comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. We have plenty of hard times that come from following the Messiah, but no more so than the good times of his healing comfort- we get a full measure of that, too. 

A 'full measure' of the 'good times of his healing comfort'. I promise you, Alice, this is true. It's when we trust him in the hard times that his presence becomes sweeter, more tangible, more precious. And it's true too that he brings us alongside others who are suffering. That is happening all the time, and you are usually there by my side. I have some stories to share with you when you are older.

     We felt like we'd been sent to death row, that is was all over for us. As it turned out, it was the best thing that could have happened. Instead of trusting in our own strength or wits to get us out of it, we were forced to trust God totally- not a bad idea since he's the God who raised the dead!

 Alice, this is how I felt when you were ill. Like it was all over. I will never tell you that epilepsy is a good thing, it isn't. But it taught me to entirely rely on the God who raises the dead- to trust my God with you.

    But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. ... Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace.

Alice, he knows about your health problems. He showed up the day you were born! You are fearfully and wonderfully made. And he's filled you with his treasure- his grace, his story, his saving love.

We've been given a glimpse of the real thing, our true home, our resurrection bodies! The Spirit of God whets our appetite by giving us a taste of what's ahead. He puts a little of heaven in our hearts so that we'll never settle for less. 

This is where I worry I'm going to sound a little crazy. I've been a Christian since I was sixteen. I somehow never fell in love with heaven. I kept trying to make it happen here and now. But one of those less-than-perfect summers I was sitting in my parents' garden thinking about Alice's illness and  reading a book on heaven- and suddenly it was as if a little corner of a curtain was drawn and I suddenly could sense how close, how real Heaven is. I felt as though I'd see it if I just looked over my shoulder. Crazy? Perhaps. But I read the above words and it explains what has happened to me- there's a little bit of heaven lodged in my heart, and I'm different.

So, my Alice, whatever life brings (and it's brought plenty in nearly 5 years) trust him- he loves you, he's got you safe. I pray for a little bit of heaven to be lodged in your heart till we get there for real.

(All quotations are from The Message translation of 2 Corinthians)

A place to start

So often I pick up a book on prayer because I've got stuck on prayer and need some help. I usually get to chapter 2 or 3. I rarely pray better because of them.

This one is different. 'Answering God: The Psalms as Tools For Prayer' by Eugene H Peterson is poetic in itself- not surprising given it's from the man who is responsible for 'The Message' translation of the bible. I am savouring it. I never write in books but I am underlining all over this one.

Here's where it's different. You can pick this up with one hand and a book of Psalms with the other and just start reading them, praying them.

Peterson reminds us that we can pray, in fact, it is as basic as breathing or crying. He describes the language of prayer as 'men and women calling out their trouble'. But not into a void. To a God who has revealed himself to us- through the history of Israel, through his word, through Jesus Christ. God started the conversation.

Peterson likens the beginning of prayer to a young baby learning to communicate with their parent. The unintelligible gurglings that are accompanied by smiles, and expressions of delight or sadness and tears. And the adult responds with words or sounds that are equally redolent of delight, love, empathy.

So as I savour this book I am taking one or two psalms a day and letting them speak to me about who my Heavenly Father says he is. I am learning to sit on his lap and letting his love wash over me. I tell him about my troubles or those of my friends, then rest in Him.

It seems like a good place to start praying.

Different kinds of treasure

Jesus took my treasure. And it was the most loving thing he could have done.

Today in church we read the story of the rich young man, in Mark chapter 10. He comes to Jesus, to find out what he must do to have eternal life. He has kept all the commandments. He is pretty sure he is on solid ground.

Jesus looks at him. He loves him. He knows what is in between this man and God, what stops him from loving God with all his heart and mind and strength. Which is, after all, what Jesus says the commandments are all about. He tells him to sell all he has and give to the poor. Then he will have treasure in heaven.

The man is crestfallen. He is wealthy. This is hard.

Your treasure, and my treasure, may or may not be financial wealth. That may or may not be what's on the throne in your heart, where God should be.

I had put Family on that throne.

I love to spend my time planning fun days out for my family. Looking up exciting activities on Pinterest. Doing all the things I know as a former teacher will help them at school. Taking photos, reading parenting blogs... The list continues. These are all fine things to do, nothing wrong with them. It's good to love our kids and give them a great start in life, right?

Right. But I had my treasure right here. And although I took my kids to church and read the Bible with them and prayed, my heart was set on the wrong treasure, for them and for me.

Then epilepsy and autism happened.

I've written about that before. You know the story.

It sounds strange, even to my ears, to say that this was a loving act of God. I don't mean, and will never say to my children, that illness, loss, struggles are good. They are not. Epilepsy in particular chills my bones when I think about it.  But if they didn't have this set of problems, they'd have another set. Everyone does, sooner or later. And if God allows those struggles to bring our hearts to his, then that is love.

God worked a change in my heart. He brought me to a place of utter dependency, of clarity, I suppose, to see the difference between treasure that fades and treasure that lasts. I can't have a perfect, healthy, trouble free life for my children. Neither can you, by the way. But thanks to Jesus, eternal life- life to the full- starting here and now, is within our reach.

I still spend plenty of time on Pinterest and parenting blogs and planning days out, camera in hand. I also spend time at autism workshops and hospital appointments. This is our new normal. I am very aware that other families for whom epilepsy and autism are daily realities never reach a normal of this level. I am grateful for every good thing and aware that this story could be so different.

But I have more peace. New medicines and setbacks don't affect me so deeply, because I know Jesus has us in his care. I'm excited about heaven. And I am blown away by his grace and love- to die for me, to reach out his hand to save me,then to make sure my hand was empty enough to grab his. Oh, and placing my children into his hands is the safest place for them.

What was it Bessie Ten Boom said? 'The safest place is at the centre of Gods will.'


We felt like we’d been sent to death row, that it was all over for us. As it turned out, it was the best thing that could have happened. Instead of trusting in our own strength or wits to get out of it, we were forced to trust God totally—not a bad idea since he’s the God who raises the dead!
2 Corinthians 1, The Message

Spring, Heaven and C.S. Lewis

For one reason or another my family have spent quite a lot of time in recent weeks in the countryside. The sun has been shining and I don't remember spring ever looking quite so glorious. How is it that we don't tire of the seasons?

 As I walked along under blossom trees and a blue sky some words from CS Lewis about heaven kept coming to mind:

Our natural experiences... are only like the drawing, like penciled lines on flat paper. If they vanish in the risen life, they will vanish only as pencil lines vanish from the read landscape; not as a candle flame that is put out but as a candle flame that becomes invisible because someone has pulled up the blind, thrown open the shutters, and let in the blaze of the risen sun.
(CS Lewis, The Business of Heaven.) 

If this beautiful world is a mere sketch, a reflection of what is to come, how amazing is heaven going to be!

C.S. Lewis, I think, was brilliant at explaining heaven. And his love of simple pleasures in this world only made him long for it even more.

"The sweetest thing in all my life has been the longing- to reach the Mountain, to find the place where all the beauty came from- my country, the place where I ought to have been born. Do you think it all meant nothing, all the longing? The longing for home? For indeed it now feels not like going, but like going back."
(C.S. Lewis, Till We Have Faces)

What I'll be putting in the foodbank (final thoughts on living below the line)

This morning for breakfast I had a sausage sandwich. I had saved a couple of sausages from dinner in the week earlier thinking it would be a treat. I did enjoy it but what I really wanted was a bowl of cereal full of milk, and a piece of toast with margarine.

Here's what I'll be putting in the food bank collection based on this year's live below the line challenge.

1. Obviously the basics. Rice, pasta, porridge, tinned veg and fruit. And milk, powdered or UHT. I've been donating that since last year's challenge.

2.Things to add taste. Salt, pepper, stock, anything you fancy from the herbs and spices aisle. These are not affordable if you're on the breadline. This week, food that tasted of something was such a novelty.

3. Things to spread on bread. I've looked at my value bread several times this week and thought I could eat that but I've got nothing to put on it. Also, if you're struggling to buy food you're probably also struggling to pay energy costs so some days bread might be it. So, jam, peanut butter, Marmite, heck why not a jar of nutella? And on that note...

4. A sweet treat or a "luxury". I don't mean champagne. As I walked around the supermarket with my £5 for five days I realised that 90% of the shop had become a luxury item that I couldn't have. So, teabags and coffee, biscuits, instant hot chocolate etc. I loved the idea that went around at Christmas to donate advent calendars. Alice and I went back and put in Easter eggs too although I wish I'd put in more. I can't help thinking that when life is being cruel a little kindness goes a long way.

Why I'm living below the line (and where I get a bit political)

"You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view, until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it"

To Kill a Mockingbird

Going hungry for a week increases my capacity for compassion. Last year while doing this challenge I was reading stories on the Tearfund website. I read about a mum in an African community that had recently received a supply of clean water. She said that her children were no longer ill with diarrhea every day. 

I've found it hard to get through the day on the food available to me. But I have a ready supply of water. I don't have to grow my own food in hard soil with the sun beating down on my back. I don't have to walk to get dirty water, or send one of my children. I cannot imagine having to do all that and then having sick children every day- because of that water that I worked so hard to collect. And to not have clean clothes readily available, or any water to clean the children up with. Do you know, the people in that community didn't even know it was the water making them ill? No one had bothered to tell them.

1.2 billion people in extreme poverty is 1.2 billion tragedies. If we can change a few, lets do it. 

On a different note altogether, there's something I need to get off my chest. The character of Atticus Finch in To Kill a Mockingbird stood out for his belief that a human being is a human being no matter what the colour of his skin. In today's political climate, where refugees are left to drown in the med and we talk of the poor as 'scroungers' and wonder whether immigrants deserve to eat, I feel like we are heading back to a time where a belief that some humans are worth less than others is rife. I am sure I am preaching to the converted here but it is a chilling thought.

www.livebelowtheline.com/me/mariewillingham

Live below the line- day one

I've been shopping for my 'livebelowtheline' week. This is what £5 in Tesco got me.

1 pack of frozen mixed veg.
2 tins baked beans
1 tin chopped tomatoes
6 eggs
1 carton uht milk
1 loaf value wholemeal bread
40 teabags
1 pack rich tea biscuits
1 pack rice

So that's it for the week. I'm allowed to work out the price of oil, salt, herbs and spices per gram so I left a few pence for that. Otherwise I am not allowed to use things out of my stock cupboard. If I wanted a bit of flour I'd have to budget for a bag of flour and I haven't. And I can't accept handouts. Please donate instead, even if it's giving me £1 when you see me ( I can collect offline as well as online.)

I've learned a few things from shopping last year. I don't need variety- I don't need rice and pasta. There are some brilliant cheap, tasty, inventive recipes out there but I didn't really care if it was bland as long as it filled me up. (Except for porridge with water. That was unbelievably disgusting and I was still hungry. If you eat that you have my admiration.)

I have budgeted for a couple of things that are luxuries rather than necessities, namely teabags and biscuits. Giving up caffeine is another challenge for another week. My family don't deserve to live with me hungry and caffeine deprived. (Its 20p for a value pack of teabags. I didn't actually buy it because I like to buy fairtrade, but I took the 20p out of my budget and counted out 40 teabags from my stash.) I will no doubt drink less tea due to the limited milk I have. I don't know if anyone remembers but last year I became slightly obsessed with milk, or lack of it. So this year it's in the budget. And the biscuits- if I don't allow myself something to grab between meals I'll fall at the first hurdle. They were only 23p.

In many ways this is not true to real life poverty. I'm living like this for 5 days only, just me, not my family. Already, like last year, I have become very aware of all the things that my £1 doesn't have to stretch to- the clothes and shoes my family are wearing, their education and healthcare, the car I drove to Tesco in and the petrol I put in it. But for the 1.2 billiion people that this is in aid of, that £1 does have to stretch to that.

Thanks to generous friends I am already only £30 short of my fundraising target. I usually get between 25 and 40 people reading a post. So if you all donated £1 each...  A little can go a long way to helping.

www.livebelowtheline.com/me/mariewillingham

But if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God's love abide in him? Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth. 
1 John 3