A taste of the real thing

I'm always relieved when the first day of the summer holidays passes without a trip to A&E, because for 2 years it didn't. Then there was the summer we were there seemingly more than we weren't. Just don't mention the Olympics to me, OK?

The weird thing about chronic illnesses is that they become a part of your everyday. We are in a place where Alice is well, because of the medicine she takes morning and night. We get on with a gloriously normal life, and she drives me up the wall and makes me laugh with her mischief but I wouldn't have it any other way. But every now and again there is a stark reminder that actually that illness is still there in the background. Summer and Harry's birthday always remind me of that first seizure. And then of course there's hospital appointments where we are booked in for tests with the promise of more tests after that.

After the last such appointment I came home with head and heart reeling a little. I got stuck into the book of 2 Corinthians (the dvd player was broken- true story) and as usual a little Bible perspective was what I needed. I love how God sees our stories differently. Alice, this is for you:

            God... comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. We have plenty of hard times that come from following the Messiah, but no more so than the good times of his healing comfort- we get a full measure of that, too. 

A 'full measure' of the 'good times of his healing comfort'. I promise you, Alice, this is true. It's when we trust him in the hard times that his presence becomes sweeter, more tangible, more precious. And it's true too that he brings us alongside others who are suffering. That is happening all the time, and you are usually there by my side. I have some stories to share with you when you are older.

     We felt like we'd been sent to death row, that is was all over for us. As it turned out, it was the best thing that could have happened. Instead of trusting in our own strength or wits to get us out of it, we were forced to trust God totally- not a bad idea since he's the God who raised the dead!

 Alice, this is how I felt when you were ill. Like it was all over. I will never tell you that epilepsy is a good thing, it isn't. But it taught me to entirely rely on the God who raises the dead- to trust my God with you.

    But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. ... Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace.

Alice, he knows about your health problems. He showed up the day you were born! You are fearfully and wonderfully made. And he's filled you with his treasure- his grace, his story, his saving love.

We've been given a glimpse of the real thing, our true home, our resurrection bodies! The Spirit of God whets our appetite by giving us a taste of what's ahead. He puts a little of heaven in our hearts so that we'll never settle for less. 

This is where I worry I'm going to sound a little crazy. I've been a Christian since I was sixteen. I somehow never fell in love with heaven. I kept trying to make it happen here and now. But one of those less-than-perfect summers I was sitting in my parents' garden thinking about Alice's illness and  reading a book on heaven- and suddenly it was as if a little corner of a curtain was drawn and I suddenly could sense how close, how real Heaven is. I felt as though I'd see it if I just looked over my shoulder. Crazy? Perhaps. But I read the above words and it explains what has happened to me- there's a little bit of heaven lodged in my heart, and I'm different.

So, my Alice, whatever life brings (and it's brought plenty in nearly 5 years) trust him- he loves you, he's got you safe. I pray for a little bit of heaven to be lodged in your heart till we get there for real.

(All quotations are from The Message translation of 2 Corinthians)

A place to start

So often I pick up a book on prayer because I've got stuck on prayer and need some help. I usually get to chapter 2 or 3. I rarely pray better because of them.

This one is different. 'Answering God: The Psalms as Tools For Prayer' by Eugene H Peterson is poetic in itself- not surprising given it's from the man who is responsible for 'The Message' translation of the bible. I am savouring it. I never write in books but I am underlining all over this one.

Here's where it's different. You can pick this up with one hand and a book of Psalms with the other and just start reading them, praying them.

Peterson reminds us that we can pray, in fact, it is as basic as breathing or crying. He describes the language of prayer as 'men and women calling out their trouble'. But not into a void. To a God who has revealed himself to us- through the history of Israel, through his word, through Jesus Christ. God started the conversation.

Peterson likens the beginning of prayer to a young baby learning to communicate with their parent. The unintelligible gurglings that are accompanied by smiles, and expressions of delight or sadness and tears. And the adult responds with words or sounds that are equally redolent of delight, love, empathy.

So as I savour this book I am taking one or two psalms a day and letting them speak to me about who my Heavenly Father says he is. I am learning to sit on his lap and letting his love wash over me. I tell him about my troubles or those of my friends, then rest in Him.

It seems like a good place to start praying.

Different kinds of treasure

Jesus took my treasure. And it was the most loving thing he could have done.

Today in church we read the story of the rich young man, in Mark chapter 10. He comes to Jesus, to find out what he must do to have eternal life. He has kept all the commandments. He is pretty sure he is on solid ground.

Jesus looks at him. He loves him. He knows what is in between this man and God, what stops him from loving God with all his heart and mind and strength. Which is, after all, what Jesus says the commandments are all about. He tells him to sell all he has and give to the poor. Then he will have treasure in heaven.

The man is crestfallen. He is wealthy. This is hard.

Your treasure, and my treasure, may or may not be financial wealth. That may or may not be what's on the throne in your heart, where God should be.

I had put Family on that throne.

I love to spend my time planning fun days out for my family. Looking up exciting activities on Pinterest. Doing all the things I know as a former teacher will help them at school. Taking photos, reading parenting blogs... The list continues. These are all fine things to do, nothing wrong with them. It's good to love our kids and give them a great start in life, right?

Right. But I had my treasure right here. And although I took my kids to church and read the Bible with them and prayed, my heart was set on the wrong treasure, for them and for me.

Then epilepsy and autism happened.

I've written about that before. You know the story.

It sounds strange, even to my ears, to say that this was a loving act of God. I don't mean, and will never say to my children, that illness, loss, struggles are good. They are not. Epilepsy in particular chills my bones when I think about it.  But if they didn't have this set of problems, they'd have another set. Everyone does, sooner or later. And if God allows those struggles to bring our hearts to his, then that is love.

God worked a change in my heart. He brought me to a place of utter dependency, of clarity, I suppose, to see the difference between treasure that fades and treasure that lasts. I can't have a perfect, healthy, trouble free life for my children. Neither can you, by the way. But thanks to Jesus, eternal life- life to the full- starting here and now, is within our reach.

I still spend plenty of time on Pinterest and parenting blogs and planning days out, camera in hand. I also spend time at autism workshops and hospital appointments. This is our new normal. I am very aware that other families for whom epilepsy and autism are daily realities never reach a normal of this level. I am grateful for every good thing and aware that this story could be so different.

But I have more peace. New medicines and setbacks don't affect me so deeply, because I know Jesus has us in his care. I'm excited about heaven. And I am blown away by his grace and love- to die for me, to reach out his hand to save me,then to make sure my hand was empty enough to grab his. Oh, and placing my children into his hands is the safest place for them.

What was it Bessie Ten Boom said? 'The safest place is at the centre of Gods will.'


We felt like we’d been sent to death row, that it was all over for us. As it turned out, it was the best thing that could have happened. Instead of trusting in our own strength or wits to get out of it, we were forced to trust God totally—not a bad idea since he’s the God who raises the dead!
2 Corinthians 1, The Message

Spring, Heaven and C.S. Lewis

For one reason or another my family have spent quite a lot of time in recent weeks in the countryside. The sun has been shining and I don't remember spring ever looking quite so glorious. How is it that we don't tire of the seasons?

 As I walked along under blossom trees and a blue sky some words from CS Lewis about heaven kept coming to mind:

Our natural experiences... are only like the drawing, like penciled lines on flat paper. If they vanish in the risen life, they will vanish only as pencil lines vanish from the read landscape; not as a candle flame that is put out but as a candle flame that becomes invisible because someone has pulled up the blind, thrown open the shutters, and let in the blaze of the risen sun.
(CS Lewis, The Business of Heaven.) 

If this beautiful world is a mere sketch, a reflection of what is to come, how amazing is heaven going to be!

C.S. Lewis, I think, was brilliant at explaining heaven. And his love of simple pleasures in this world only made him long for it even more.

"The sweetest thing in all my life has been the longing- to reach the Mountain, to find the place where all the beauty came from- my country, the place where I ought to have been born. Do you think it all meant nothing, all the longing? The longing for home? For indeed it now feels not like going, but like going back."
(C.S. Lewis, Till We Have Faces)

What I'll be putting in the foodbank (final thoughts on living below the line)

This morning for breakfast I had a sausage sandwich. I had saved a couple of sausages from dinner in the week earlier thinking it would be a treat. I did enjoy it but what I really wanted was a bowl of cereal full of milk, and a piece of toast with margarine.

Here's what I'll be putting in the food bank collection based on this year's live below the line challenge.

1. Obviously the basics. Rice, pasta, porridge, tinned veg and fruit. And milk, powdered or UHT. I've been donating that since last year's challenge.

2.Things to add taste. Salt, pepper, stock, anything you fancy from the herbs and spices aisle. These are not affordable if you're on the breadline. This week, food that tasted of something was such a novelty.

3. Things to spread on bread. I've looked at my value bread several times this week and thought I could eat that but I've got nothing to put on it. Also, if you're struggling to buy food you're probably also struggling to pay energy costs so some days bread might be it. So, jam, peanut butter, Marmite, heck why not a jar of nutella? And on that note...

4. A sweet treat or a "luxury". I don't mean champagne. As I walked around the supermarket with my £5 for five days I realised that 90% of the shop had become a luxury item that I couldn't have. So, teabags and coffee, biscuits, instant hot chocolate etc. I loved the idea that went around at Christmas to donate advent calendars. Alice and I went back and put in Easter eggs too although I wish I'd put in more. I can't help thinking that when life is being cruel a little kindness goes a long way.

Why I'm living below the line (and where I get a bit political)

"You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view, until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it"

To Kill a Mockingbird

Going hungry for a week increases my capacity for compassion. Last year while doing this challenge I was reading stories on the Tearfund website. I read about a mum in an African community that had recently received a supply of clean water. She said that her children were no longer ill with diarrhea every day. 

I've found it hard to get through the day on the food available to me. But I have a ready supply of water. I don't have to grow my own food in hard soil with the sun beating down on my back. I don't have to walk to get dirty water, or send one of my children. I cannot imagine having to do all that and then having sick children every day- because of that water that I worked so hard to collect. And to not have clean clothes readily available, or any water to clean the children up with. Do you know, the people in that community didn't even know it was the water making them ill? No one had bothered to tell them.

1.2 billion people in extreme poverty is 1.2 billion tragedies. If we can change a few, lets do it. 

On a different note altogether, there's something I need to get off my chest. The character of Atticus Finch in To Kill a Mockingbird stood out for his belief that a human being is a human being no matter what the colour of his skin. In today's political climate, where refugees are left to drown in the med and we talk of the poor as 'scroungers' and wonder whether immigrants deserve to eat, I feel like we are heading back to a time where a belief that some humans are worth less than others is rife. I am sure I am preaching to the converted here but it is a chilling thought.

www.livebelowtheline.com/me/mariewillingham

Live below the line- day one

I've been shopping for my 'livebelowtheline' week. This is what £5 in Tesco got me.

1 pack of frozen mixed veg.
2 tins baked beans
1 tin chopped tomatoes
6 eggs
1 carton uht milk
1 loaf value wholemeal bread
40 teabags
1 pack rich tea biscuits
1 pack rice

So that's it for the week. I'm allowed to work out the price of oil, salt, herbs and spices per gram so I left a few pence for that. Otherwise I am not allowed to use things out of my stock cupboard. If I wanted a bit of flour I'd have to budget for a bag of flour and I haven't. And I can't accept handouts. Please donate instead, even if it's giving me £1 when you see me ( I can collect offline as well as online.)

I've learned a few things from shopping last year. I don't need variety- I don't need rice and pasta. There are some brilliant cheap, tasty, inventive recipes out there but I didn't really care if it was bland as long as it filled me up. (Except for porridge with water. That was unbelievably disgusting and I was still hungry. If you eat that you have my admiration.)

I have budgeted for a couple of things that are luxuries rather than necessities, namely teabags and biscuits. Giving up caffeine is another challenge for another week. My family don't deserve to live with me hungry and caffeine deprived. (Its 20p for a value pack of teabags. I didn't actually buy it because I like to buy fairtrade, but I took the 20p out of my budget and counted out 40 teabags from my stash.) I will no doubt drink less tea due to the limited milk I have. I don't know if anyone remembers but last year I became slightly obsessed with milk, or lack of it. So this year it's in the budget. And the biscuits- if I don't allow myself something to grab between meals I'll fall at the first hurdle. They were only 23p.

In many ways this is not true to real life poverty. I'm living like this for 5 days only, just me, not my family. Already, like last year, I have become very aware of all the things that my £1 doesn't have to stretch to- the clothes and shoes my family are wearing, their education and healthcare, the car I drove to Tesco in and the petrol I put in it. But for the 1.2 billiion people that this is in aid of, that £1 does have to stretch to that.

Thanks to generous friends I am already only £30 short of my fundraising target. I usually get between 25 and 40 people reading a post. So if you all donated £1 each...  A little can go a long way to helping.

www.livebelowtheline.com/me/mariewillingham

But if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God's love abide in him? Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth. 
1 John 3

Living below the line

I'm getting ready to take the 'living below the line' challenge for the second time.

There are 1.2 billion people worldwide who live in extreme poverty- they have £1 a day (or the equivalent purchasing power) to live on. For them that includes everything- food, drink, education, you name it. Global Citizen run this challenge along with many charities to raise awareness and funds.

So, from 27th April or thereabouts, for 5 days I have £1 a day to spend on all my food and drink. I am raising money for Tearfund, and any donations will go to help some of the world's poorest people. (Please sponsor me!!)

I've learned a few things from last year. It was an eye opener in how much choice I have and how much I waste. I also had some interesting conversations. I talked to a lot of people about food banks in the UK, as I saw just how far £1 goes (not very) in the supermarket. I am more than happy to talk about food poverty in the UK- in fact there's an election coming up, lets talk about it!! But the focus of this challenge is more on developing countries, where people have nothing. No water. No ready access to healthcare, or education. Real, grinding, exhausting poverty.

 I will soon be boring you on facebook, instagram and everywhere else with pictures of my bland repetitive meals. In the meantime please sponsor me!


I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink. Matthew 25

But let justice roll on like a river, righteousness like a never-failing stream! Amos 5

Because I don't write about chocolate enough

Today was one of those caffeine-and chocolate days. Well most days are but Alice fell out of her bed last night and didn't get back to sleep for a while so today was a bit more extreme. ( I'm prodding her to stop her from falling asleep as I write.) And I had such good intentions about healthy eating today too. I'm really good at good intentions. 

Anyway after lunch I went to the kitchen cupboard to sneak some mini eggs then persuaded Alice she wanted some Easter chocolate just so we could have the tub open and I could share. I picked up my phone to read my Instagram verse of the day. 

'How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth. ' Psalm 119:103

Anyone would think He knew.

Next time I need something to pick me up or get me through, looks like I should go somewhere other than (or as well as) the kitchen cupboard.

The voiceless will sing

The desert and the parched land will be glad;
    the wilderness will rejoice and blossom.
Like the crocus, it will burst into bloom;
    it will rejoice greatly and shout for joy.

Isaiah 35

When I was 20 I spent three months in Israel. I stayed on Mount Carmel. It was our autumn but it was hot and sunny. One day it rained- just a little. And as I went outside the guest house where I was working, I saw that the tiny bit of rain had caused some beautiful small flowers to appear in the sandy earth. 

A little bit of rain brought forth life from dusty earth. 

I recently discovered Isaiah 35. I'm sure I must have read it before, but it felt brand new. (I love that the bible never grows old or stale, no matter how long I read it.) I discovered a wonderful vision of what it will be like when Jesus renews all things.

Imagine a desert, a parched land, a wilderness. Its not hard, just switch on the news. Nigeria under Boko Harem. A refugee camp as big as a city in Syria. The isolated elderly neighbour or the desperation of the person feeding his family from a foodbank. Now apply these verbs: 

Rejoice 

Blossom 

Shout for joy

Be glad

Strengthen the fearful

Why? 

God is coming. 

The wilderness shall be glad; the desert shall rejoice and blossom. Anywhere that is scorched or dry will become a pool of cool refreshing water. This is an image of abundance. Not just a sprinkle of rain and a few small flowers. Whole deserts springing forth with flowers. No more thirst. No more lack. The majesty of mountains given to dry and parched, featureless lands. 

This is what the glory, the majesty of God looks like. 

The next part makes my 'mum to special needs' heart rejoice. The lame will walk. The blind will see. The deaf will hear. The voiceless will sing. Those who can't speak and those with no one to listen, your time is coming. 

Then, a road. A highway. A highway of peace, of safety, of holiness and salvation. A highway full of joyful songs, a highway that leads to God's city. 

I can't wait. 

Good Friday and the big 'God and suffering' question.

Does this question ever go away?

Don't our hearts keep asking, even if we understand with our minds, every time we are faced with it again?

Why does a loving God allow suffering?

Today is the day when we remember the cross. The nails. The death of Jesus.

Suffering is woven into the fabric of the Christian faith. Its at its very heart.

When we ask this question with our hearts turned to him, he meets us.

It matters that our God took on a human body. He had arms that ached and a body that tired. He had hands that bled when the nails went through.

He chose that cross. For me, for you. Instead of me, instead of you.

Today is the day he gave us himself.

We can't tell Jesus he doesn't know what we are going through- because he does.
We can't tell him he doesn't care, because he does.
We can't say he is distant, because he left heaven for us, and went to hell and back for us.

Today is the day that shows that he is the light in every darkness, the light that never goes out.
Today is the day to remind us that he is the everlasting arms.
And coming is the day of glorious light, of glorious hope.

Let him meet you in that place, in that question. Let his love become your comfort, your treasure, your joy, your hope.

Can I ask you a question? What do you want him to give you? Because what he wants to give you is- himself.

'I have loved you with an everlasting love.' Jeremiah 31

'The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms.' Deuteronomy 33

'For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathise with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are- yet he did not sin.' Hebrews 4: 15

Burning bushes

He came into the kitchen one Saturday afternoon and asked 'what does Jesus look like?' He ran to get his bible as I went to get mine.

In Psalm 11 David ends with the phrase 'the upright will see His face.' In the Old Testament to see God's face meant death. But David seems to desire it.

David's faith has scope, it has imagination. He dreams of the seemingly impossible, of truths not yet fully revealed.  He knows that there is depth and richness in the love of our God that we can only begin to explore.. He longs to be face to face with the God he loves.

 I was reminded of this a few weeks ago when Harry arrived in the kitchen that Saturday with his question. He came back with his children's bible open at an illustration and said' 'is it like this?' We compared the description of Jesus in Revelation to the drawing in the book and talked about it for a few minutes.

The tagline of Ann Voskamp's blog is 'there are burning bushes everywhere.' You know the burning bush right? God's presence, holy ground. I felt that holy presence in my kitchen that day, as Harry and I searched for our God's face and longed for him together.

Far too late to even pretend to be a valentines post part 2

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (1 Corinthians 13)

You know this one. I had to learn it by heart at school for RE GCSE. And it's read at plenty of weddings. So much so it can become overfamiliar and even a little bit stale. 

That's how it has been for me for a while. But the Bible doesn't ever have to become stale. There are many, many passages in the Bible that I can read over and over, just drinking in the beauty of their Author. And I am glad to say that me and 1 Corinthians 13 are making friends. 

If you read this outside of a wedding where people are feeling starry-eyed and romantic it becomes very challenging. And beautiful.

Read it again. It sounds very much like a description of God- the one who is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love. (Psalm 145)  This is how you are loved. Pretty good, hey? 

Trouble is, Paul is saying that this is how we should love. Read it on an ordinary day, especially after a row or a particularly grumpy morning (who me?) It doesn't sound much like me. Envy is only too familiar, patience all too fleeting. And keeping a record of wrongs? Yep that's all too natural too. 

Growing up as a church-goer and hearing the Bible, but not really knowing God or understanding the true nature of his covenant love, I would read verses such as this one from Matthew: 'you therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect' and feel afraid. How am I ever supposed to do that?

The answer is we don't - Jesus does it for us, in us, through us. These passages make me realise how far I fall short of the standard God holds- perfection- and bring me to where I need to be- at his feet declaring my spiritual bankruptcy and asking for his forgiveness and help. 

One more word about RE GCSE. It's amazing the difference the Holy Spirit makes. I learned that passage at school as an exercise and was not blown away by its brilliance. The Holy Spirit can make the Bible alive if we only let him. I remember one summer day I was working on some RE coursework. I got distracted by reading the book of Acts. I started reading it as I would a novel and got hooked. For the rest of the day I felt different. That memory has stayed with me. That was the first time that I really met God through his book.

Every day is pancake day

Harry had pancakes for breakfast today. He will have them again tomorrow. It's one of the few things he will eat, and as far as he's concerned, a perk of lazier holiday mornings.

A lot of other people ate pancakes today too. And tomorrow we start the fasting, right...?

I grew up giving stuff up for Lent, going to church on Ash Wednesday etc but have been in churches with other traditions for so long now I am out of practice. But I miss it. And I'm not sure what to say to my kids about it.

I know what Lent isn't. It's not a second attempt to keep those resolutions I dropped half way through January. It's not time to go on a diet (that might not be a bad thing but lets face it, there's mini creme eggs in the shops). It's not time to earn a bit of God's favour either.

I've noticed something else. People saying 'don't give something up this year, give out or spread some joy, do something new or something extra.'

Like diets, those are good things, but is there something inherently wrong with giving things up? Something outdated or selfish or pointless?

I want to keep Lent because I want to get ready for Easter. I want a sense of anticipation, for the children as well as myself. I want time to reflect on what it really means. More time to sit with Jesus.

I've set myself some reading to rediscover Lent. I probably will fast from something. I probably won't tell you what it is because that's not the point of it. It might be facebook, it might be chocolate, it might be something else.I will undoubtedly fail at it so if you find me browsing facebook on my phone eating- mini creme eggs- don't be surprised.

Luckily I don't have to earn God's favour. I don't have to earn my place in his kingdom or his heart. He gave up everything for me, gives me his grace everyday. The least I can do is have a stab at giving up a few pleasures to seek to get to know him more.

Jumping on the valentine bandwagon a little too late (part one?)

My Pinterest feed has been full of hearts pretty much since Christmas. Now they are clearing out in favour of shamrocks and rainbows. The done thing for bloggers is to 'do' all the festivals and seasons, presumably to get more pins and readers etc. 

But my little tiny blog isn't setting out to conquer Pinterest and anyway I had nothing to say until now. 

When I think about God's love the verse that springs to mind is this:

'But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.' (Romans 5)

What would our friends think of us if they saw us at our worst moments? Our families see a lot of them but even they don't know it all. What if someone saw every angry or judgemental thought, every selfish impulse? A scary thought. 

Well someone does see it all. And he chose to die for us anyway.

There is a security and relief in knowing that we have been seen at our worst and still loved. And it's not because we are not as bad as we think. If anything, it is this acceptance and love that gives me the courage to look honestly at my own sinfulness. 

And that opens the door to... Well, go and read it for yourself in Romans chapter 5. I can highly recommend Eugene Peterson's translation 'The Message' ( if you don't have it you can read it at biblegateway.com. ) I'll give you a taster:

            'We throw open our doors to God, and discover at the same moment that he has already thrown open his door to us. (The Message, Eugene Peterson, Romans chapter 5.) 

I've called this part one. I may or may not get round to writing part two. I have spared you any pictures of sparkly hearts as I'm sure you've seen enough.

By the way, don't hold your breath for a post on shamrocks and pots of gold from me...

A promise (or two)

Joni Eareckson Tada said that God's children don't live on explanations but on His promises. *

This week during my bible reading two passages have jumped off the page shouting 'Alice' at me. 

        'My frame was not hidden from you when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.'
(Psalm 139)

This, and in fact the whole psalm, brings a lot of comfort to me as the mum to a child with a genetic disorder. We often read a children's version of this psalm. As we read ' I am wonderfully made, I jump for joy for what you have done', Alice jumps for joy around the room. Good, I want her to know this to be true with all of her heart, body and soul. 

The second passage is from Isaiah. I discovered it when Alice was ill; I read it every day and clung to it. So when it appeared on my kindle today, naturally my thoughts turned to Alice.

Even to your old age and grey hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.
(Isaiah 46:4) 

I walked home today from a meeting with Alice's teacher, turning to God in my mind and wanting to talk to him about her. Then I realised that God had initiated a conversation with me about Alice days ago! And I realised the significance of these two promises together: He was there at the very start of her life, and he will sustain, rescue and carry her till the very end. 

*Diamonds in the dust by Joni Eareckson Tada

January Grey

It turns out I am a New Year- scrooge. I genuinely have been surprised at how many people have wished me happy new year. In my half-empty way I don't see the point of making resolutions that I didn't manage to keep last year or the year before, and can't really believe that a change of date makes anything different.

Then there's January. It's cold and dark and weeks till spring and no lights and decorations to dispel the gloom. (Although there are here, we deliberately left one string of lights up.)

So I have made some resolutions that I have a chance of keeping- read more books. Watch more films. Get more sleep. It's dark and cold, might as well embrace it. The children have rediscovered a love of baking so we are spending lots of time huddled round a mixing bowl with the oven on.

I am doing quite well on the reading front, having started my third book of the month (the top one in the picture.) It's by one of my favourite bloggers, Sara Hagerty. I have talked about her blog before, and her book shares the same name, 'Every bitter thing is sweet.'

Let me share some words which have struck me this morning, a beautiful description of those that know God:

   They acted as if they believed God didn't just tolerate them; He enjoyed them. And yet their messes were more visible than mine. I couldn't understand this combination, but it intrigued me. They lived and walked as if they knew God was good to them, though their circumstances said otherwise. These people liked to pray, and they referenced their day-to-day experience with God as if it were an adventure.

(Sara Hagerty, Every bitter thing is sweet.)

I have friends like this. They really bless me. We get together and 'gossip God'. They say things like 'guess what God is doing'. Or else we just catch up on the details of each others' lives, good and bad. But always with a reference to our God who is good to us. Always with an eye to where he can be found, or at least a heart longing for him. And I come away feeling encouraged by their very real stories of God's unfailing, pursuing, faithful love, and praising him in my heart.