One year on

It's been a year since I wrote my first post, about my family's struggles. Struggles which have improved but which are far from over. And my latest post was about a man healed.

Here's the thing about healing. We want it really badly. We long for it. We beg God for it. Those of us who believe in Jesus believe in a God who can heal. I truly believe he can and does heal today. But why so rarely?

I'm learning to see and to accept that its not always the best thing for us. God will always do the thing that brings us closer to him, and brings most honour to his name.

Illness and suffering bring us face to face with all that is wrong with the world. What Christians call ' the fall.'  And when faced with suffering, our own or that of those we love, we want out. Jesus knows that only too well. Just look at Gethsemane.

But what mankind has always, always done is to seek God for his gifts and then when we have them, turn our backs and go our own way. There is a danger inherent in seeking the gifts not the Giver.

And there is a special closeness and joy to be found in knowing Christ in his sufferings. To be brought alongside his loving heart which has suffered so much for us.

Yes we still long for healing and yes suffering still hurts. And we will get the healing, the wholeness, the peace. Some now and in its entirety in heaven.

I struggled with my children's diagnoses, especially with Alice's epilepsy. Its one thing to trust him with my own suffering, but with my tiny daughter's? Do I even have that right? To trust him even if he doesn't want to heal her. Her dedication day was a turning point for me. I really felt like I was relinquishing control, handing her back to God even if my heart broke. And I will never forget the friends who stood alongside us in prayer and heartbreak that day.

And a few weeks later her health started to change. The seizures lessened. The third medicine, which had a tiny chance of working, was working. Her smile and zest for life and cheeky spirit came back.

She is well. Not one hundred percent but good enough. I asked God one day why he didn't heal her properly ( not really expecting an answer) and he said 'to keep you trusting in me. My grace is sufficient.'

At the height of my 'yelling at the ceiling' prayers I told God 'if they are old enough to have the suffering they are old enough to have your Holy Spirit!' And I see him answering that, especially in Harry.

Harry loves to pray. He's excited by the Bible. His eyes light up when he hears about heaven. He longs to see God's face (as long as its not too bright. But nothing in heaven is too anything.) He's six years old and autistic. Would he have this vibrant faith if it wasn't for his autism? I think not. Struggling as he does with anxiety has pushed him towards a God who promises to take care of our worries, who is our refuge and safe place.

And Alice? I don't see that faith yet. But I know one thing. And if you've read my earliest posts you know it too. From the day she was born God has been writing her story. A beautiful and hard story but one that draws God close and then spills him out.