New Year...

Tonight I am thanking God that he is making all things new.

I am thankful that his mercies are new every morning.

I am thankful that he is making me new.

I am resolving to walk with him in faith, to trust his power and to live a life worthy of his calling- from dark to light.

I know I will fail a thousand times but I also know his grace will meet my need.

And if you are facing this new year's dawn in a wasteland, be encouraged- they are his speciality.

Happy New Year.

He who was seated on the throne said, ‘I am making everything new!’ Revelation 21

since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. 

Colossians 3

This is what the Lord says – he who made a way through the sea, a path through the mighty waters, ‘Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. Isaiah 43

With this in mind, we constantly pray for you, that our God may make you worthy of his calling, and that by his power he may bring to fruition your every desire for goodness and your every deed prompted by faith. 12 We pray this so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ. 2 Thessalonians 1

http://www.desiringgod.org/labs/new-years-resolutions

http://lynndove.com/2013/01/01/25-encouraging-scripture-verses-for-the-new-year/

Fig tree

This is taken from a talk I gave at a Christmas fair a couple of weeks ago. Sorry I can't invite you all for cake. This was partly inspired by Tim Keller's book 'Encounters with Jesus', which I highly recommend.

So here we are again. Time for shopping, wrapping, mince pies and mulled wine, visiting family- and yes, you’ve guessed it, that time of year when your Christian friend invites you to church. We all know the story by now, don’t we? The manger, the angels, the wise men and shepherds are very familiar from the nativity plays and the Christmas cards. So why do we keep inviting you year after year? Well, bear with me for a few minutes and I will try to explain it. I’m not going to talk about the baby in the manger, instead I’m going to talk about the man he grew up to be.

I expect we all know something about the man Jesus. I expect we all have an opinion on who he is. He’s known for his wise teachings- do as you would be done by, love your enemies, turn the other cheek, blessed are the meek. He’s known for his stories- the good samaritan, the lost sheep, the prodigal son. He’s known for his miraculous powers, healing the sick, stilling the storm. So what can we say about him? He’s not a myth, a story- even wikipedia agrees that he lived, and died by crucifixion. Can we say he’s a wise man, a prophet, a teacher? Well, what about the more difficult things he said? Such as claiming to be one with the Father, such as using God’s name for himself, and forgiving people’s sins.  And what about his claim to be ‘the way, the truth and the life’- the only way to God? It’s the height of arrogance- unless it’s true. Yet Jesus isn’t arrogant- he hangs out with the people who are shunned by everyone else and washes the camel poo off his friends’ feet.

I’m going to look briefly at a story early on in John’s gospel. Jesus has left Nazareth and is gathering his team. One of the men he called, Philip, ran straight off to find his friend Nathaniel, and told him, 'We've found him, the one written about in the scriptures, the one God promised. It's Jesus, from Nazareth, the carpenter’s son.

Now, Philip and Nathanael both knew what had been promised in the Old Testament. They were talking a common language. I wonder what the person who invited you today said? If it was me I probably made a big deal out of the cake.  What I should have said was- I’ve found the answer to all our longings for true love, for fulfilment and purpose, the answer to our griefs and our fear of death. It’s Jesus of Nazareth.’

What does Nathanael reply? ‘Nazareth? Can anything good come out of there?’ I wonder if there was a bit of prejudice going on here, some rivalry between towns. To borrow an illustration from my northern routes, in Lancashire there’s a saying ‘The only good thing to come out of Yorkshire is the road to Lancashire.’ If you pop over the Pennines to Yorkshire there’s the same saying only the road is going in the opposite direction. Really, I don’t think I blame Nathanael for his doubt. After all, the Jews had been promised a forever King, a rescuer, and who is this Jesus anyway- an ordinary man, Joseph’s son, from Nazareth of all places. . And if he really is the promised rescuer, then a lot of hopes and dreams rest on him, and well, life can’t exactly go on as before.

I wonder what are our equivalents of Nazareth today- our reasons for doubting Christianity, for not looking for answers there?  Perhaps you come from a different faith or none and don’t think Christianity is for you. Perhaps you don’t like Christianity’s claim to exclusivity. Perhaps you have had negative experiences in churches or with Christians.

Philip replies- come and see. And Nathaniel packs up his doubts and questions and goes. Let me read to you what happens next

When Jesus saw Nathanael approaching, he said of him, ‘Here truly is an Israelite in whom there is no deceit.’

‘How do you know me?’ Nathanael asked.

Jesus answered, ‘I saw you while you were still under the fig-tree before Philip called you.’

Then Nathanael declared, ‘Rabbi, you are the Son of God; you are the king of Israel.’

Jesus said, ‘You believe[h] because I told you I saw you under the fig-tree. You will see greater things than that.’

And just like that the opinion Nathanael held about Jesus is turned on its head, in one encounter. And who does he say Jesus is? The Son of God- the King of Israel.  

By the way, I’m not saying Nathanael’s experience is typical. The actor David Suchet, when talking about his own conversion to Christianity, said that he had enough questions to last him about 21 years! There may even be a note of reproach in Jesus’s reply to Nathanael- you believe just because of that - you haven’t seen anything yet. Then Jesus says this difficult thing about ladders and angels- ‘you will see heaven open, and angels ascending and descending on the Son of Man’. What is that all about? Well, he is effectively saying that he’s going to make a way between heaven and earth, between man and God, where there wasn’t a way before. All other religions say ‘this is what to do to get to heaven’. Only Jesus says ‘you can’t do it- so I will do it for you.’

So Nathaniel makes this statement of faith on surprisingly little evidence, and Jesus tells him he will have many more reasons to believe. And yet, again, I think I know where Nathaniel is coming from. You see, if what the Bible says is true, then Jesus is alive today and we can really know him- and he really knows us. When I first became a Christian, and several times afterwards, there have been some really sweet moments where I realise that Jesus really knows me. Fig-tree moments if you like. To finish, let me tell you one.

A few years ago my daughter was going through a lot of health problems and one summer found us in A and E more than we thought possible. She had had 2 operations, followed by several infections with very high temperatures, then one summer morning she had her first seizure and I found myself in an ambulance on the way to a and e yet again. Now normally I go into autopilot and manage these hospital visits quite calmly, but not this time. This was scary and I was so weary of being there. I sat in the empty waiting room, covered in vomit and holding a sleeping child and I thought to myself- they will ask me to explain her entire medical history from day one, because they always do, and I just can’t face it.’ I didn’t pray it. I just thought it. Then the doctor arrived. ‘Ive read her file’ he said. What?!! They never read the file, never had before and never have since. He had even read up which blood tests she had had recently so we didn’t need to repeat them!

Now this might sound incidental to you- but to me, I knew I had been heard. Even though I didn’t say it out loud, didn’t even pray it. He knew. He saw. He heard. In the middle of a terrible memory is a really sweet and precious moment. And I want to tell you that if you haven’t met Jesus yet, you have these moments to come.

So today, I invite you, like Nathanael, to come and see. Take a second look at the man from Nazareth- pick up a gospel, talk to a friend. Whatever you are expecting, hoping, dreaming- you will discover something much greater in Jesus of Nazareth.

Searching

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 
Jeremiah 29

So many people in the Christmas story were waiting on the promises of God. They had the scriptures, they knew God had promised not to leave them in the dark.

Did the wise men know about those promises? I don't know- I suspect they didn't. Still they didn't have to make God up. He gave them the longing in their hearts and the star in the sky.

I am always learning something new on this Christian walk. Recently I have been struck with the fact that God tells us who he is, that he shares his good news with us- after all, he didn't have to.

CS Lewis, in his book 'Surprised by Joy', talks about an experience of joyful longing. For a long time he sought the experience itself, until he realised that he must be longing for something.

David Suchet, in talking about becoming a Christian, says that his first reading of the bible 'slotted right into what I had been searching for, something beyond.'

Augustine of Hippo said, 'You have made us for yourself, and our hearts are restless until they can find rest in you.'


With all wisdom and understanding, he made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ, to be put into effect when the times reach their fulfilment- to bring unity to all things in heaven and on earth under Christ. (Ephesians 1)

Loved

To start the Christmas Story at the birth of Jesus is like starting to read a novel at chapter 52.

In the opening pages of my children's bible there is an illustration of God's hands holding a blueprint. A plan of creation. And that is exactly what the Bible tells us God did. He made a plan.

They were all there, Father, Son, and Spirit, the day those words were spoken, 'Let there be Light', and so the story began.

And do you know what was planned even before that day?

God's children.

'For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ in accordance with his pleasure and his will'*

He knew us before that day. He loved us before that day. He knew we would reject him, would run away and need rescuing. He knew how he would rescue us. He knew who would rescue us. 

And now to "chapter 52":

'He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God- children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband's will, but born of God.'*

Ephesians 1:4-5, John 1:11-12

Does it make a difference?

I opened my advent reflection today and read this:

In the midst of Advent, with the swags of cedar on porches and the lights twisted up 

streetlights, the headlines still spray across the face of the earth. They tear us open, and the world floods with pain. *

I have another post all ready but I can't quite click 'publish' because my head is full of thoughts about bombs and IS and politicians. It seems crazy to be going on with the usual Christmas stuff with this going on.

If the Christmas story doesn't have something to say about this then what use is it?

Of course I believe it does have something to say.

The Christmas story looks the darkness in the eye and says the light is stronger.

The Christmas story shows us the God who suffers with us, even suffers for us, in our place.

The Christmas story points us towards Easter (yes already, it was always all about Easter) and says that God has done something about IS- about terrorism-  about cycles of violence and hatred.

Don't take my word for it, see what the dad of John the Baptist had to say:

Through the heartfelt mercies of our God,
    God’s Sunrise will break in upon us,
Shining on those in the darkness,
    those sitting in the shadow of death,
Then showing us the way, one foot at a time,
    down the path of peace.*

*Ann Voskamp, 'The Greatest Gift'; Luke chapter 1

Immanuel

There's a family that I can't get out of my mind. A Yazidi refugee family who have taken refuge in an unfinished building in Iraq. Nine children including a baby. Bare floors and brick walls. Windows missing. I just can't imagine.

At the weekend, we decorated our Christmas tree, got out the nativity set and the Christmas story books. As I sat down to read with the children, I read 'Joseph made a warm place for Mary to rest' and I found myself saying 'I hope she was warm, her and the baby'. 

The truth is, the first Christmas looked more like a refugee camp than a cosy lit-up front room. It looked like masses of people on the move, with nowhere to stay. It looked like fleeing for your life when Herod sent out his murderous troops. 

I am not saying anything new or surprising, or anything that hasn't been written countless times since the refugee crisis. But I find that this truth does not get old, does not get stale. I need to hear it. I need to feel it. 

Lessons from Doctor Who: Hero

Do you want a hero who will go through unimaginable suffering to put things right?

Do you want a hero who has the strength and ability to do what no one else could do?

Do you want a hero who wins by losing his own life?


I know one.

'My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death.'

'Father forgive them for they do not know what they are doing.' 

'It is finished.' 

Matthew 26:38, Luke 23:34, John 19:30

Life lessons from Doctor Who: Gods don't show up

But what if one did?

'In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God... The Word became flesh, and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.'

The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel- God with us.

'Jesus answered, 'Don't you know me, Philip, even after I have been among you such a long time? Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father. Don't you believe that I am in the Father and the Father is in me?'

Jesus, who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing, by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death, even death on a cross!

For to us a child is born,
to us a son is given,
and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called
Wonderful Counsellor, Mighty God
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
Of the greatness of his government and peace
there will be no end.

John 1, Isaiah 7, John 14, Philippians 2, Isaiah 9

The way ahead

'It is grace to know God's commands. They release us from self-made plans 

and conflicts. They make our steps certain and our way joyful.'

Dietrich Bonhoeffer, 'Psalms: the prayer book of the Bible'

It feels like we are living through increasingly desperate times. The cost of everyday living becoming more impossible for more and more people. Cuts and sanctions against people and places that are already struggling. Human rights are being eroded, free health care is being eroded, belief in the intrinsic value of a human being despite their productivity is being eroded. As more and more of my conversations involve people saying 'how am I going to live?' I find myself turning to the Bible for hope, and I find that the deeper the darkness, the brighter the light. 

The opening quotation was written by Dietrich Bonhoeffer. He lived in Nazi-controlled Germany and eventually died at their hands. I don't know at what point in his life he wrote those words, but I do know that he chose to stay in Germany out of loyalty to his fellow countrymen. Many, many Christians who have gone before us have made statements like this as God directs them in a way that seems anything but joyful. 

It can be a deep challenge to follow Jesus as he often leads where we don't want to go. As I try to live his way I can't count on a path free from trouble but I can count on his love. I can count on his faithfulness. I can count on his joy. 

The law of the Lord is perfect, refreshing the soul.

The statutes of the Lord are trustworthy, making wise the simple.

The precepts of the Lord are right,

giving joy to the heart. 

The commands of the Lord are radiant, 

giving light to the eyes. 

The fear of the Lord is pure, 

enduring forever. 

The decrees of the Lord are firm, and all of them are righteous. 

Psalm 19

The good news of Halloween

Oh Halloween. The Christian parents' dilemma. Do we or don't we? If we join in are we teaching our kids that witches and devils are all fine? Are we teaching them to celebrate evil? If we don't join in are we overreacting, after all it's just dressing up and sweets and fun isn't it?

 

So far I have muddled through, feeling uncomfortable with either position. No more though, because this year Harry wants to 'do' Halloween. Luckily I have found a couple of things which have helped me unpack it all a bit, just in time!

 

Why are we nervous about Halloween? I think it's because there is such an emphasis on the dark and scary without anything on the good and the positive. I wonder how many of us have really examined what we believe about good and evil? How do we help our children face their fears?

 

This year I've done just that, by accident really, and am now more excited than ever to share my faith with my children. In his book 'Encounters with Jesus', Tim Keller talks about the different views on good and evil. There's dualism, where good and evil are equal and opposing forces, battling it out- but there's no certainty which one will win. There's monism, where reality consists of a single element, or in other words, what you think is bad isn't really, if only you could see it. Then there's Christianity, where good is most definitely separate to, and bigger and stronger than, evil, and there's no question which side will win. In fact, we believe the good already won, in the form of the One Good Man.

 

When it comes to matters of light and dark, good and evil, Christians have the best reason to celebrate, the best reason for not being afraid. As this blog says, our response to Halloween is for each of us to decide, but I am going with not hiding behind the curtain. With being the neighbour with the best sweets. We are going to have a light party at church, so our children can play at dressing up, paint some pumpkins and make lanterns, eat sweets and learn who has conquered their fears.

 

There are loads of ideas of things to do if you're not keen on Halloween. The book of Deuteronomy tells us to impress God's word on our children's hearts at every possible opportunity. This seems like a good one.

 

Treats not tricks- deliver sweets or baking to neighbours as a surprise.
World Vision is encouraging us to carve a heart into a pumpkin and donate £5 to help children who live in fear that is all too real.
Light party- an increasingly popular idea in churches. Some ideas here and here.
I've found the material from Scripture Union very helpful, both this blog post and their published material. They also have a lovely booklet illustrated by Catalina Echeverri (who has also illustrated some lovely children's bible stories.)

Life lessons from Doctor Who: compassion is a strength

'Like a hero who takes the stage when we're

on the edge of our seat saying

it's too late

Let me introduce you to amazing grace'

mercyme

Do you ever feel like you're witnessing a special moment in history? It hasn't happened to me often in my life, but it did recently. 

The stories were there- the war, the refugees, the boats full of desperate people. And the reactions of the politicians and the media were there- don't let them in- protect the borders, the likes of Katie Hopkins writing vitriol that sounded like Hitler, and getting published.

And then, That Picture- and suddenly, a wave of compassion, a critical mass of voices saying, enough! do something! Not just here but in Germany, Iceland, forcing the hands of politicians who were several steps behind. I have plenty of friends who post political and current news items on social media, but suddenly this was everyone. It felt amazing to see that despite a recent trend of unpleasant rhetoric of dehumanising people, most folk can see and recognize human suffering for what it is- another person in need. 

Someone has called compassion 'God's currency'- and there is plenty in circulation right now.

As you probably know, I have been collecting clothes to be shipped out to refugee camps across the Middle East. It has been so heart-warming to see people's generosity and thoughtfulness- to see them reflecting their Heavenly Maker's image whether they know it or not in their care for another, and living out His words that 'anyone who has two shirts should share with the one who has none'* and 'I needed clothes and you clothed me'.**

'You clothed me'.

'If you take your neighbour's cloak as a pledge, return it by sunset, because that cloak is the only covering your neighbour has. What else can they sleep in? When they cry out to me, I will hear, for I am compassionate.' Exodus 22

'But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love.' Psalm 103

'When he saw the crowds he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd'. Matthew 9

'Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after widows and orphans in distress' James 1












*Luke chapter 3
**Matthew chapter 25

Feet

 Every morning

I lay out the pieces of my life

And watch for fire to descend

Psalm 5 (The Message)

Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love.

I have recently caught a habit in myself which I am trying to change. 

When someone asks 'do you work?' I reply no, because my children both have special needs, how could I hold down a job and manage all the appointments? Who would give me a job anyway?

The problem is, even though that is true, it's not really why I am at home. I chose to stay home with Harry long before any diagnoses came our way. I know that not everyone has that choice, and I know that for many it's not the right choice, but it's the one Dave and I made. 

So why am I trying to justify myself? Do I not see value in what I do? 

The answer, I think, is a complicated one. It's always a struggle to know how much and how soon to share with people about my kids' extra needs. It is undoubtedly helpful, even essential at this point, for me to be home with them, to help them manage every day life and to liaise with all the professionals I need to see. But am I needing to show the person who asked (who presumably I just met) that my life has value, that I get things done, things that matter? Am I stuck in a mindset that measures value by productivity? What did you make/earn/achieve today? 

The truth is, I love to be able to pick my children up every day from school (I don't love morning school runs, hate 'em), to see their teachers, see who their friends are, take them bike riding or hunting for conkers. Harry is seven and it is dawning on me how short childhood is- I want to play with them while they still want me to. Not all the time. A lot of the time I want to drink tea and watch CSI. 

Alice is now full time in school, a time lots of mums choose to go back into work. But to be honest, I don't feel driven to do that yet. I am learning that the introvert in me is strong, and I am quite happy to come home, close the door and drink in the quiet. I do actually do quite a few things, mostly at church, but I am always longing for the quiet. 

This brings me to another point. While the way of the world is often to rank our usefulness in terms of profession or occupation or wage, in church we often mark ourselves on our 'ministries'- whether we lead Sunday School, or worship, or get to lots of bible studies etc. And the truth is that for anyone in a position as a carer- whether to young children, or older children or adults with special needs or illness- or anyone suffering illness and disability themselves- those ministries can often be limited. 

We had a difficult summer. I half expected it to be, but was taken by surprise at how hard it was. A time of transition, lack of routine and a mischievous sister all lead to high anxiety for Harry- which of course impacted all of us. I wrote down some verses and stuck them in the kitchen, as I took a deep breath and got stuck into parenting holiday- style:

His love has the first and last word in everything we do*

Clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience*

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart as working for the Lord*

We went to a lot of parks, went down a lot of slides, rode on a lot of trains, watched a lot of TV (there was plenty of sugar too, lets get the confession time over).

I mopped up tears and snot and emotions, including my own, dropped exhausted into bed every night, and tried to remember Jesus washing his disciples' feet. 

He didn't get a glamorous ministry. 

So I shouldn't complain if I don't.

Through the summer He quietly whispered encouragements and I offered up the broken pieces of my day, the joys and the utter failures, to Him, as my feet-washing of the day. 

A few days ago He put another spin on it, through a book given to me by a thoughtful friend. The following words are based on the story of the woman anointing Jesus's feet with perfume, which can be found in Matthew and Luke:

Jesus, my shepherd, doesn't seem to appraise value in the same way I do... He is interested in the wasteful expenditure of love and energy, just because it's in keeping with the sort of crazy love and sacrifice he showed in his life and death... All the sacrifices, the nappy changing... they cannot be worth it if they are just for our children. But they're not. Ultimately they are a perfume poured out for him. **

I was offering him the yucky muck off our feet. He showed me that it is perfume poured out on his feet.

He may have called you to rise high in your profession. He may have called you to give your profession up. He may have placed you in a ministry that reaches thousands. He may have called you to love and serve a few. He may have called you to hold on, to trust in the darkness.

Stephen served food to widows. 

Ruth loved her mother-in-law. 

Jesus spent much of his three year ministry investing in twelve men, one of whom was Judas.

He's the King of the upside-down, topsy-turvy kingdom, where the least matter, where the last are first, where the little children are to be our role models. 

He's the King of the mustard seed Kingdom.

*2 Corinthians 5, Colossians 3.

** The Life you never expected- thriving while parenting special needs children, by Andrew and Rachel Wilson

My virtual chalkboard (part one)

Has anyone else noticed a trend for coffee shops to give out a little philosophy with their lattes recently? Their chalkboards give us a thought of the day instead of inviting us in with offers of sugar and caffeine. Is this a widespread trend or just my corner of London? 

Some of the quotations make me smile. Some I'm indifferent to. And some I disagree with. I've been trying to put my finger on why they get to me, after all there's nothing really offensive about a quote from Mark Twain or Roald Dahl. Then last night I came across a blog post where a mum had gathered some inspirational quotations for her daughter's room; and I realised that what saddens me is that these quotes and thoughts sound beautiful and inspiring but they are not based on anything solid. I feel like we are trying to live our lives by blind optimism, platitudes or even superstition instead of tried and tested, beautiful, reliable Truth.

So in the absence of a real chalkboard or my own coffee shop, here are some tried and tested truths in response to some of the boards I've seen.

The first one was actually in a shop and went like this: 'imagine the good and the good will come.' Others of a similar vein are 'happiness is a choice', 'keep smiling and the life will get tired of upsetting you'.

The problem I have with these is that I see very little evidence that we have this much control over our own lives. If it was as easy as imagining, wishing for good things, making them happen, wouldn't we all have easier lives? I can't help thinking, too, that those of us with many choices before us are probably the lucky ones.

So my reply is:

   And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.    (Romans 8) 

I spent much of my Christian life not understanding this verse- waiting for the day when those I love would all be well and happy and financially secure; not realising that the good God wants for us is himself- a right relationship with him and a heart set on 'things above.'  If we read on in Romans chapter eight we find that his purpose is that we might be 'conformed to the image of his Son'- Jesus, the Man of Sorrows who carried a cross, and who promises us our own crosses- and also that it will be the best decision we ever made to follow him.

One more word from the man who wrote the above words (you know, the one who was beaten, shipwrecked, stoned and imprisoned) 

If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all- how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 

(Romans 8)

A taste of the real thing

I'm always relieved when the first day of the summer holidays passes without a trip to A&E, because for 2 years it didn't. Then there was the summer we were there seemingly more than we weren't. Just don't mention the Olympics to me, OK?

The weird thing about chronic illnesses is that they become a part of your everyday. We are in a place where Alice is well, because of the medicine she takes morning and night. We get on with a gloriously normal life, and she drives me up the wall and makes me laugh with her mischief but I wouldn't have it any other way. But every now and again there is a stark reminder that actually that illness is still there in the background. Summer and Harry's birthday always remind me of that first seizure. And then of course there's hospital appointments where we are booked in for tests with the promise of more tests after that.

After the last such appointment I came home with head and heart reeling a little. I got stuck into the book of 2 Corinthians (the dvd player was broken- true story) and as usual a little Bible perspective was what I needed. I love how God sees our stories differently. Alice, this is for you:

            God... comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. We have plenty of hard times that come from following the Messiah, but no more so than the good times of his healing comfort- we get a full measure of that, too. 

A 'full measure' of the 'good times of his healing comfort'. I promise you, Alice, this is true. It's when we trust him in the hard times that his presence becomes sweeter, more tangible, more precious. And it's true too that he brings us alongside others who are suffering. That is happening all the time, and you are usually there by my side. I have some stories to share with you when you are older.

     We felt like we'd been sent to death row, that is was all over for us. As it turned out, it was the best thing that could have happened. Instead of trusting in our own strength or wits to get us out of it, we were forced to trust God totally- not a bad idea since he's the God who raised the dead!

 Alice, this is how I felt when you were ill. Like it was all over. I will never tell you that epilepsy is a good thing, it isn't. But it taught me to entirely rely on the God who raises the dead- to trust my God with you.

    But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. ... Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace.

Alice, he knows about your health problems. He showed up the day you were born! You are fearfully and wonderfully made. And he's filled you with his treasure- his grace, his story, his saving love.

We've been given a glimpse of the real thing, our true home, our resurrection bodies! The Spirit of God whets our appetite by giving us a taste of what's ahead. He puts a little of heaven in our hearts so that we'll never settle for less. 

This is where I worry I'm going to sound a little crazy. I've been a Christian since I was sixteen. I somehow never fell in love with heaven. I kept trying to make it happen here and now. But one of those less-than-perfect summers I was sitting in my parents' garden thinking about Alice's illness and  reading a book on heaven- and suddenly it was as if a little corner of a curtain was drawn and I suddenly could sense how close, how real Heaven is. I felt as though I'd see it if I just looked over my shoulder. Crazy? Perhaps. But I read the above words and it explains what has happened to me- there's a little bit of heaven lodged in my heart, and I'm different.

So, my Alice, whatever life brings (and it's brought plenty in nearly 5 years) trust him- he loves you, he's got you safe. I pray for a little bit of heaven to be lodged in your heart till we get there for real.

(All quotations are from The Message translation of 2 Corinthians)

A place to start

So often I pick up a book on prayer because I've got stuck on prayer and need some help. I usually get to chapter 2 or 3. I rarely pray better because of them.

This one is different. 'Answering God: The Psalms as Tools For Prayer' by Eugene H Peterson is poetic in itself- not surprising given it's from the man who is responsible for 'The Message' translation of the bible. I am savouring it. I never write in books but I am underlining all over this one.

Here's where it's different. You can pick this up with one hand and a book of Psalms with the other and just start reading them, praying them.

Peterson reminds us that we can pray, in fact, it is as basic as breathing or crying. He describes the language of prayer as 'men and women calling out their trouble'. But not into a void. To a God who has revealed himself to us- through the history of Israel, through his word, through Jesus Christ. God started the conversation.

Peterson likens the beginning of prayer to a young baby learning to communicate with their parent. The unintelligible gurglings that are accompanied by smiles, and expressions of delight or sadness and tears. And the adult responds with words or sounds that are equally redolent of delight, love, empathy.

So as I savour this book I am taking one or two psalms a day and letting them speak to me about who my Heavenly Father says he is. I am learning to sit on his lap and letting his love wash over me. I tell him about my troubles or those of my friends, then rest in Him.

It seems like a good place to start praying.

Different kinds of treasure

Jesus took my treasure. And it was the most loving thing he could have done.

Today in church we read the story of the rich young man, in Mark chapter 10. He comes to Jesus, to find out what he must do to have eternal life. He has kept all the commandments. He is pretty sure he is on solid ground.

Jesus looks at him. He loves him. He knows what is in between this man and God, what stops him from loving God with all his heart and mind and strength. Which is, after all, what Jesus says the commandments are all about. He tells him to sell all he has and give to the poor. Then he will have treasure in heaven.

The man is crestfallen. He is wealthy. This is hard.

Your treasure, and my treasure, may or may not be financial wealth. That may or may not be what's on the throne in your heart, where God should be.

I had put Family on that throne.

I love to spend my time planning fun days out for my family. Looking up exciting activities on Pinterest. Doing all the things I know as a former teacher will help them at school. Taking photos, reading parenting blogs... The list continues. These are all fine things to do, nothing wrong with them. It's good to love our kids and give them a great start in life, right?

Right. But I had my treasure right here. And although I took my kids to church and read the Bible with them and prayed, my heart was set on the wrong treasure, for them and for me.

Then epilepsy and autism happened.

I've written about that before. You know the story.

It sounds strange, even to my ears, to say that this was a loving act of God. I don't mean, and will never say to my children, that illness, loss, struggles are good. They are not. Epilepsy in particular chills my bones when I think about it.  But if they didn't have this set of problems, they'd have another set. Everyone does, sooner or later. And if God allows those struggles to bring our hearts to his, then that is love.

God worked a change in my heart. He brought me to a place of utter dependency, of clarity, I suppose, to see the difference between treasure that fades and treasure that lasts. I can't have a perfect, healthy, trouble free life for my children. Neither can you, by the way. But thanks to Jesus, eternal life- life to the full- starting here and now, is within our reach.

I still spend plenty of time on Pinterest and parenting blogs and planning days out, camera in hand. I also spend time at autism workshops and hospital appointments. This is our new normal. I am very aware that other families for whom epilepsy and autism are daily realities never reach a normal of this level. I am grateful for every good thing and aware that this story could be so different.

But I have more peace. New medicines and setbacks don't affect me so deeply, because I know Jesus has us in his care. I'm excited about heaven. And I am blown away by his grace and love- to die for me, to reach out his hand to save me,then to make sure my hand was empty enough to grab his. Oh, and placing my children into his hands is the safest place for them.

What was it Bessie Ten Boom said? 'The safest place is at the centre of Gods will.'


We felt like we’d been sent to death row, that it was all over for us. As it turned out, it was the best thing that could have happened. Instead of trusting in our own strength or wits to get out of it, we were forced to trust God totally—not a bad idea since he’s the God who raises the dead!
2 Corinthians 1, The Message

Spring, Heaven and C.S. Lewis

For one reason or another my family have spent quite a lot of time in recent weeks in the countryside. The sun has been shining and I don't remember spring ever looking quite so glorious. How is it that we don't tire of the seasons?

 As I walked along under blossom trees and a blue sky some words from CS Lewis about heaven kept coming to mind:

Our natural experiences... are only like the drawing, like penciled lines on flat paper. If they vanish in the risen life, they will vanish only as pencil lines vanish from the read landscape; not as a candle flame that is put out but as a candle flame that becomes invisible because someone has pulled up the blind, thrown open the shutters, and let in the blaze of the risen sun.
(CS Lewis, The Business of Heaven.) 

If this beautiful world is a mere sketch, a reflection of what is to come, how amazing is heaven going to be!

C.S. Lewis, I think, was brilliant at explaining heaven. And his love of simple pleasures in this world only made him long for it even more.

"The sweetest thing in all my life has been the longing- to reach the Mountain, to find the place where all the beauty came from- my country, the place where I ought to have been born. Do you think it all meant nothing, all the longing? The longing for home? For indeed it now feels not like going, but like going back."
(C.S. Lewis, Till We Have Faces)

What I'll be putting in the foodbank (final thoughts on living below the line)

This morning for breakfast I had a sausage sandwich. I had saved a couple of sausages from dinner in the week earlier thinking it would be a treat. I did enjoy it but what I really wanted was a bowl of cereal full of milk, and a piece of toast with margarine.

Here's what I'll be putting in the food bank collection based on this year's live below the line challenge.

1. Obviously the basics. Rice, pasta, porridge, tinned veg and fruit. And milk, powdered or UHT. I've been donating that since last year's challenge.

2.Things to add taste. Salt, pepper, stock, anything you fancy from the herbs and spices aisle. These are not affordable if you're on the breadline. This week, food that tasted of something was such a novelty.

3. Things to spread on bread. I've looked at my value bread several times this week and thought I could eat that but I've got nothing to put on it. Also, if you're struggling to buy food you're probably also struggling to pay energy costs so some days bread might be it. So, jam, peanut butter, Marmite, heck why not a jar of nutella? And on that note...

4. A sweet treat or a "luxury". I don't mean champagne. As I walked around the supermarket with my £5 for five days I realised that 90% of the shop had become a luxury item that I couldn't have. So, teabags and coffee, biscuits, instant hot chocolate etc. I loved the idea that went around at Christmas to donate advent calendars. Alice and I went back and put in Easter eggs too although I wish I'd put in more. I can't help thinking that when life is being cruel a little kindness goes a long way.

Why I'm living below the line (and where I get a bit political)

"You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view, until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it"

To Kill a Mockingbird

Going hungry for a week increases my capacity for compassion. Last year while doing this challenge I was reading stories on the Tearfund website. I read about a mum in an African community that had recently received a supply of clean water. She said that her children were no longer ill with diarrhea every day. 

I've found it hard to get through the day on the food available to me. But I have a ready supply of water. I don't have to grow my own food in hard soil with the sun beating down on my back. I don't have to walk to get dirty water, or send one of my children. I cannot imagine having to do all that and then having sick children every day- because of that water that I worked so hard to collect. And to not have clean clothes readily available, or any water to clean the children up with. Do you know, the people in that community didn't even know it was the water making them ill? No one had bothered to tell them.

1.2 billion people in extreme poverty is 1.2 billion tragedies. If we can change a few, lets do it. 

On a different note altogether, there's something I need to get off my chest. The character of Atticus Finch in To Kill a Mockingbird stood out for his belief that a human being is a human being no matter what the colour of his skin. In today's political climate, where refugees are left to drown in the med and we talk of the poor as 'scroungers' and wonder whether immigrants deserve to eat, I feel like we are heading back to a time where a belief that some humans are worth less than others is rife. I am sure I am preaching to the converted here but it is a chilling thought.

www.livebelowtheline.com/me/mariewillingham

Live below the line- day one

I've been shopping for my 'livebelowtheline' week. This is what £5 in Tesco got me.

1 pack of frozen mixed veg.
2 tins baked beans
1 tin chopped tomatoes
6 eggs
1 carton uht milk
1 loaf value wholemeal bread
40 teabags
1 pack rich tea biscuits
1 pack rice

So that's it for the week. I'm allowed to work out the price of oil, salt, herbs and spices per gram so I left a few pence for that. Otherwise I am not allowed to use things out of my stock cupboard. If I wanted a bit of flour I'd have to budget for a bag of flour and I haven't. And I can't accept handouts. Please donate instead, even if it's giving me £1 when you see me ( I can collect offline as well as online.)

I've learned a few things from shopping last year. I don't need variety- I don't need rice and pasta. There are some brilliant cheap, tasty, inventive recipes out there but I didn't really care if it was bland as long as it filled me up. (Except for porridge with water. That was unbelievably disgusting and I was still hungry. If you eat that you have my admiration.)

I have budgeted for a couple of things that are luxuries rather than necessities, namely teabags and biscuits. Giving up caffeine is another challenge for another week. My family don't deserve to live with me hungry and caffeine deprived. (Its 20p for a value pack of teabags. I didn't actually buy it because I like to buy fairtrade, but I took the 20p out of my budget and counted out 40 teabags from my stash.) I will no doubt drink less tea due to the limited milk I have. I don't know if anyone remembers but last year I became slightly obsessed with milk, or lack of it. So this year it's in the budget. And the biscuits- if I don't allow myself something to grab between meals I'll fall at the first hurdle. They were only 23p.

In many ways this is not true to real life poverty. I'm living like this for 5 days only, just me, not my family. Already, like last year, I have become very aware of all the things that my £1 doesn't have to stretch to- the clothes and shoes my family are wearing, their education and healthcare, the car I drove to Tesco in and the petrol I put in it. But for the 1.2 billiion people that this is in aid of, that £1 does have to stretch to that.

Thanks to generous friends I am already only £30 short of my fundraising target. I usually get between 25 and 40 people reading a post. So if you all donated £1 each...  A little can go a long way to helping.

www.livebelowtheline.com/me/mariewillingham

But if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God's love abide in him? Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth. 
1 John 3

Living below the line

I'm getting ready to take the 'living below the line' challenge for the second time.

There are 1.2 billion people worldwide who live in extreme poverty- they have £1 a day (or the equivalent purchasing power) to live on. For them that includes everything- food, drink, education, you name it. Global Citizen run this challenge along with many charities to raise awareness and funds.

So, from 27th April or thereabouts, for 5 days I have £1 a day to spend on all my food and drink. I am raising money for Tearfund, and any donations will go to help some of the world's poorest people. (Please sponsor me!!)

I've learned a few things from last year. It was an eye opener in how much choice I have and how much I waste. I also had some interesting conversations. I talked to a lot of people about food banks in the UK, as I saw just how far £1 goes (not very) in the supermarket. I am more than happy to talk about food poverty in the UK- in fact there's an election coming up, lets talk about it!! But the focus of this challenge is more on developing countries, where people have nothing. No water. No ready access to healthcare, or education. Real, grinding, exhausting poverty.

 I will soon be boring you on facebook, instagram and everywhere else with pictures of my bland repetitive meals. In the meantime please sponsor me!


I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink. Matthew 25

But let justice roll on like a river, righteousness like a never-failing stream! Amos 5

Because I don't write about chocolate enough

Today was one of those caffeine-and chocolate days. Well most days are but Alice fell out of her bed last night and didn't get back to sleep for a while so today was a bit more extreme. ( I'm prodding her to stop her from falling asleep as I write.) And I had such good intentions about healthy eating today too. I'm really good at good intentions. 

Anyway after lunch I went to the kitchen cupboard to sneak some mini eggs then persuaded Alice she wanted some Easter chocolate just so we could have the tub open and I could share. I picked up my phone to read my Instagram verse of the day. 

'How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth. ' Psalm 119:103

Anyone would think He knew.

Next time I need something to pick me up or get me through, looks like I should go somewhere other than (or as well as) the kitchen cupboard.

The voiceless will sing

The desert and the parched land will be glad;
    the wilderness will rejoice and blossom.
Like the crocus, it will burst into bloom;
    it will rejoice greatly and shout for joy.

Isaiah 35

When I was 20 I spent three months in Israel. I stayed on Mount Carmel. It was our autumn but it was hot and sunny. One day it rained- just a little. And as I went outside the guest house where I was working, I saw that the tiny bit of rain had caused some beautiful small flowers to appear in the sandy earth. 

A little bit of rain brought forth life from dusty earth. 

I recently discovered Isaiah 35. I'm sure I must have read it before, but it felt brand new. (I love that the bible never grows old or stale, no matter how long I read it.) I discovered a wonderful vision of what it will be like when Jesus renews all things.

Imagine a desert, a parched land, a wilderness. Its not hard, just switch on the news. Nigeria under Boko Harem. A refugee camp as big as a city in Syria. The isolated elderly neighbour or the desperation of the person feeding his family from a foodbank. Now apply these verbs: 

Rejoice 

Blossom 

Shout for joy

Be glad

Strengthen the fearful

Why? 

God is coming. 

The wilderness shall be glad; the desert shall rejoice and blossom. Anywhere that is scorched or dry will become a pool of cool refreshing water. This is an image of abundance. Not just a sprinkle of rain and a few small flowers. Whole deserts springing forth with flowers. No more thirst. No more lack. The majesty of mountains given to dry and parched, featureless lands. 

This is what the glory, the majesty of God looks like. 

The next part makes my 'mum to special needs' heart rejoice. The lame will walk. The blind will see. The deaf will hear. The voiceless will sing. Those who can't speak and those with no one to listen, your time is coming. 

Then, a road. A highway. A highway of peace, of safety, of holiness and salvation. A highway full of joyful songs, a highway that leads to God's city. 

I can't wait. 

Good Friday and the big 'God and suffering' question.

Does this question ever go away?

Don't our hearts keep asking, even if we understand with our minds, every time we are faced with it again?

Why does a loving God allow suffering?

Today is the day when we remember the cross. The nails. The death of Jesus.

Suffering is woven into the fabric of the Christian faith. Its at its very heart.

When we ask this question with our hearts turned to him, he meets us.

It matters that our God took on a human body. He had arms that ached and a body that tired. He had hands that bled when the nails went through.

He chose that cross. For me, for you. Instead of me, instead of you.

Today is the day he gave us himself.

We can't tell Jesus he doesn't know what we are going through- because he does.
We can't tell him he doesn't care, because he does.
We can't say he is distant, because he left heaven for us, and went to hell and back for us.

Today is the day that shows that he is the light in every darkness, the light that never goes out.
Today is the day to remind us that he is the everlasting arms.
And coming is the day of glorious light, of glorious hope.

Let him meet you in that place, in that question. Let his love become your comfort, your treasure, your joy, your hope.

Can I ask you a question? What do you want him to give you? Because what he wants to give you is- himself.

'I have loved you with an everlasting love.' Jeremiah 31

'The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms.' Deuteronomy 33

'For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathise with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are- yet he did not sin.' Hebrews 4: 15

Burning bushes

He came into the kitchen one Saturday afternoon and asked 'what does Jesus look like?' He ran to get his bible as I went to get mine.

In Psalm 11 David ends with the phrase 'the upright will see His face.' In the Old Testament to see God's face meant death. But David seems to desire it.

David's faith has scope, it has imagination. He dreams of the seemingly impossible, of truths not yet fully revealed.  He knows that there is depth and richness in the love of our God that we can only begin to explore.. He longs to be face to face with the God he loves.

 I was reminded of this a few weeks ago when Harry arrived in the kitchen that Saturday with his question. He came back with his children's bible open at an illustration and said' 'is it like this?' We compared the description of Jesus in Revelation to the drawing in the book and talked about it for a few minutes.

The tagline of Ann Voskamp's blog is 'there are burning bushes everywhere.' You know the burning bush right? God's presence, holy ground. I felt that holy presence in my kitchen that day, as Harry and I searched for our God's face and longed for him together.